By Dr. Allen Glicksman
and Marcia Siegal
Nearly 700 older Philadelphians, responding to a Philadelphia Corporation for Aging (PCA) survey on “Growing Old in Philadelphia,” overwhelmingly reported that they want to remain in their own homes as they age.
Most cited community solidarity; cleanliness; and easy access to transportation, shopping, health providers and other basic services as prime factors in making a neighborhood a good place to live and age. The survey was included in the February issue of Milestones, which PCA publishes and distributes monthly.
PCA sponsored the mail-in survey to gather input as part of its process to develop the agency’s Four-Year Area Plan for 2008-12. More generally, survey responses help further the agency’s understanding of how a community’s physical and social environment has an impact on the lives of its elders — important information as PCA develops its long-range agenda, which will guide PCA’s practices, planning and policy to make the city better for all.
The same factors that make neighborhoods good places to live were also key to improving quality of life, respondents indicated. They repeatedly expressed the need for safer streets, including better lighting, more police presence and elimination of gangs.
In addition, they expressed a desire to build better relations among their neighbors; to see a grocery store, a restaurant or other business move into their neighborhood; and to rid their block of the trash and litter they see every day.
Forty-four percent cited financial hardship with housing costs, including rent, home repairs and fuel. Thirty-six percent cited health costs, including doctor visits and medications; 23 percent said they have problems paying for food.
Respondents overwhelmingly reported that they want to remain active and engaged in their community. When asked how their talents and experiences could be best used, most said the elderly can function as a bridge between generations.
Examples include mentoring children; helping the very old stay in their homes; or roles in libraries, community centers and other institutions where their knowledge and experience would be valued.
By Sally Friedman
After three marriages and some hard knocks, Carol Denker was resigned to the notion that there would be no more romance in her life.
But in 2006, at age 62, she ventured forth once again into the dating world, via an Internet dating service.
She expected little, but a week after she signed on to JDate, a respondent invited her to Instant Message. Denker had never IM’d, but the gentleman in question had “kind eyes and a brave smile,” she recalls.
Today, Carol Denker is married to that man, and well on her way to finishing a book aptly called Autumn Romance: Great Love Stories Over 50.
Looking for silver linings
It is way beyond her own story of finding love in later years. Denker has committed to finding 35 couples between 50 and 90, who have found late love.
“Gathering material for this book has been one of the most joyful experiences of my life,” said Denker, who has been an artist, art therapist, newspaper reporter and editor.
Because her own road has been daunting — a difficult childhood in a family in which she never quite fit, a lonely young adulthood, failed marriages and a terrifying dependence on tranquillizers — Carol Denker yearned to know that there could be silver linings. And that’s precisely what she found in her own fourth marriage, and on the road to “Autumn Romance.”
The first interview was of a Philadelphia couple who had been lonely and unfulfilled in their long first marriages. When they found each other and married, she was 79 and he was 78. “We’re so happy it’s unbelievable,” they told Denker. “Inside our house, it’s like we’re 16 years old. We laugh, we play, we love each other so much… It’s like time was never born.”
Several themes recur
Many more interviews have validated that same remarkable awakening, not at 20 or 30, but decades later.
The basic message was repeated as Denker sought subjects around the country through senior centers, senior newsletters and word-of-mouth. Several themes recur — romantic love really is timeless; staying engaged and curious can lead to great romantic blessings; and people become more empathetic and accepting in their later years.
One other finding: while in their earlier years, people were more likely to try to change a partner or spouse, that tendency dramatically decreased in later loves. “Virtually no one spoke of changing the loved one — nobody seemed to want to waste time on that!”
Denker heard tales of how people met, from the most random of stories (an empty chair at a social gathering) to more predictable shared interests or mutual friends. Almost every story, she says, has been deeply touching.
The Philadelphia writer is living in what she calls “a network of love.” She is still seeking a few more couples to round out her goal of 35 tales, and would particularly like to interview older Hispanics and gay males, though she is open to all interesting stories. To contact her: caroldenker@comcast.net or 215-425-9226. To learn more about the book: www.autumnlove.org.
And that ultimate issue in late love — losing the partner? “There is a sweet bravery in the face of mortality,” said Denker. “Love becomes more intense and even more meaningful. The little stuff doesn’t matter; the big stuff does!”